The Struggle Is Real

Despite having worked at the same company for over six years, not a day goes by that I don't feel challenged or learn something new.  Due to this, I feel like I make a lot of errors, and I have to apologize often.  Regardless of how or why things fall through the cracks, with errors come criticism and blame, naturally.  One of the biggest challenges on a daily basis for me is to not let the negativity of others get me down.  Although I work hard to not take things personally, often I do feel affected by tone and/or words, and it makes me feel like I'm about to implode.  I will be the first to admit that I'm sensitive, and I wish I could do a better job of allowing things to roll off me.  Sometimes I wish I simply didn't care so much.  After all, isn't this just a job?

On the other hand, I believe my sensitivity can be an asset where life is concerned.  The reason I'm sensitive is because I care.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  When I stop caring, that's when we really have a problem. 

Understanding my own passion for the things I do in life, and my desire to do good things correctly, I don't find it difficult to see why Chris takes everything with the build so personally.  Part of me wants to say, "It's just a house!"  The bigger part of me hushes that part, saying, "Right now, this is his life." 

I know that is a strange thing to say, because the kids and I are supposed to be his life, right?  Don't get me wrong-- I know he loves us more than anything, and that he'd do anything for us.  But at this point in time, I know he feels like so much rides on how well he can manage this build.  The reason I say this is because of all that has happened to get him to this point.  In a nutshell, because of the loss of Granddad, he gained experience through his own home renovation.  He was laid off when the housing market crashed, then again two weeks before we were married.  He wanted to throw in the towel... but he didn't.  He still worked for those companies, among others, on a freelance basis, and eventually he knew he was truly in a position to have his own gig.  Fast-forward to a little over a year ago, and he asked if he could buy a lot, even though it seemed unlikely.  They said yes.  He wanted to find financing which would allow us to live in our house while he was building the house, and was rejected over and over again.  Finally, a bank said yes.  Each struggle lead to a question or a path to chose, and then came the answers-- one yes lead to another, and eventually launched us into a very intense and stressful experience in our lives, with many delays and setbacks and question marks.  But here we are.  Knowing all that I know about, how far Chris has come, and knowing the grandeur of his dreams, why wouldn't I want to accept that this is his life?  Really, isn't this my life, too?

All this to say, while I might be a more peaceful person if I could be more laid-back, I also might lose a part of myself and my ability to empathize with my husband if my personality was to change in that way.  I think this is yet another example of a yes in our lives.  God put Chris and me together, not because we are so alike and we have such similar personalities (we don't!), but because we understand one another.  We don't always agree, heaven knows, but we do try to find a way to see from one another's perspective. 

At the moment, the house has most of the windows in, and the front frame is on the door. Supposedly the brick guys will be working this week, as well as the electricians.  Fingers crossed!  We had a pretty big storm roll through on Saturday afternoon, so Chris and I stopped by the house on the way to our sushi date.  Chris ran in, and when he came out he told me that rain was still coming in in some places.  I asked what could be done, and he said that they need to reinforce the valleys.  Ok then! 

So, the kiddos and I continue to drive by the house each day to say our prayers for it, and blow our prayers from our palms toward heaven.  They don't let me miss a day, in fact.  The faith of Children.  Wow.